Archive - December, 2007


” I’ve had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn’t do

, but I realize that none of that matters. The only thing that matters is the here and now… and well, I wouldn’t consider this one of those moments. Sitting here working on projects for an organization that has been a part of my life for the last four years, I can’t help but feel nostalgic for those moments of the past. I know that there will be moments in the future, but I am neither anticipating or focusing on them. For once, I am living in the present, which scares me a bit. There is no security in the present. The past is secure because you know what to expect from it, good or bad- the memories themselves never change. The future feels protected because it is distant and there is always time to at least attempt to change it. The present, though, that is unpredictable. It changes every moment…

” Lookin’ at me now you might not know it
But I’ve had my moments”

Carry Me

“Make me breathe, I want to be a new man, tired of the old one, out with the old plan.”

Wow, times have changed… and I am in the midst of change. I now own a wallet that is semi girly and has the color purple incorporated in it as opposed to a wallet with an iron cross and a skull. However, that is merely a superficial fact in the grand scheme of things.

On a more serious note, this time last year I was a high school Senior…. examining my high school life. Most of my teachers are gone, and the high school is not the same place since our class left. Well, the place is the same, but… Times change. People change. More than one person I went to school with as been arrested. More than one person has married, and several are now parents. Many have either decided not to go to school or have dropped out already… and most recently, someone that I used to hang out with who is even younger than I am died from a drug overdose. Talk about a reality check. It is really hard for me to see the change for the worse within the ‘roi. Some of the people I used to hang out with have definitely taken some bad paths in life. The irony is that I once envied some of the same people because they were well liked and had a sense of identity. Look at how things change..

Thank God for change… not that I ever actually was a bad kid… but I am so thankful that I was given the opportunities that I had during my high school career and was given the chance to grow. I am thankful that my mom kept me in check to some extent and that my circumstances allowed me to mature. For once, I am truly grateful for my childhood and my past.

I sense that more changes are coming… as I am breaking free… and starting to feel my heart beat again. Right now I’m laying things down… and saying carry me… make me the person that I truly am.. the person that I am destined to become… I don’t want to be a dead man anymore… and the great thing is that I don’t have to be… because it’s Christmas.. and we have all been given the Breath of Life… as long as we believe… how incredible is that? Like the shepherds following the star, I stand in pure awe and admiration… Carry me, “make me breathe.” =]

Wherever I May Roam

“Under wandering stars I’ve grown… By myself but not alone”
“Anywhere I may roam … Where I lay my head is home”

Take note that my titles are always song lyrics of some sort…I think that music speaks louder than words ever could. To tell where my mind is when writing, all someone has to do is look at the song reference. I guarantee you that it corresponds with my mood and what I am trying to express.

For example, this song is obviously about living a nomadic life… but it isn’t a desperately depressing song. It’s actually quite the opposite… It is all about the freedom of the open road, the idea of location not defining a person. It shows how someone can grow and thrive in any atmosphere. How they can redefine themselves and adapt in any situation. It’s about attaching yourself to little and accumulating all the knowledge that you can from whatever life throws at you. This song is about dropping the material things that bind you to a location and letting fate guide you where ever you my roam.

There you go… so for all the inquiring minds that want to know how I am enjoying being at home.. or how I like being anywhere for that matter.. that is my theory on life. =]

” I’ll take my time anywhere
I’m free to speak my mind
And I’ll redefine anywhere
Anywhere I roam
Where I lay my head is home”

Jesus Freak

“What would people say if they heard that I was a Jesus Freak? What would people do if they found out it’s true? I don’t care if people know that I’m Jesus Freak, there ain’t no disguising the truth. People think I’m strange, but does that make me a stranger because my best friend was born in a manger…”

I love that song… and I just finished the first volume of the book series about people giving their lives for their faith. Contemplating whether or not I would be able to give my life for my faith, I suddenly became extremely ashamed of the fact that I cannot say if I would. I realized that I have been living my life to please people more than I have been living my life for God. If you would have caught me this time last year, I would have been laughing at the girl who was a Jesus freak… now I long to have that kind of passion and confidence in my own faith. Today I was on the receiving end of the jokes as I was being labeled an evangelist… My description of what XA was to a friend was imagine a frat who replaces their love of partying with their devotion to their faith. The response was “It is essentially the same thing… both make you very happy and then people laugh at you because they think you are crazy”. So be it, I’m a little crazy…. always have been, just not openly so. However, I have nothing to hide- I love my God and He loves me. Anyone who knows me knows that. My brother actually said that one of my old friends went to church last Sunday specifically looking for me because she knew that I would return to mass as soon as I returned home. Mind you that she never goes to church, and I have not talked with her since I came to college…so this assumption was surprising to me because I never considered myself open about my faith. Now, I am open…

However, ironically enough, I now feel the need to be more of a closed book. A closed book in terms of my life. I feel as if too many people know my story, and not enough people truly know me. I was sitting on the bus on the way home talking with some girl who insisted that I reminded her of her friend from college… thus, I made a friend on the bus by simply being myself. That is classic me- the me I know and like. Classic me is not let’s spill my guts to you just because you asked or because I think you might want to know. Coming home made me realize that I have been lacking much of the me factors in my identity. God has given me a dynamic personality, and lately I have been masking it. I have traded the corky, outgoing Kera for this reserved person that I don’t necessarily know. As a result, I don’t feel as if some of my friendships are genuine because I feel as most people only know one little aspect of me, an aspect that definitely does not define me. Expect me to be real and to be completely myself next semester… no reservations.

At this point in time, and always, my best friend was born in a manger. I largely do not trust people and I am skeptic of friendships… people have to prove themselves to me for me to fully trust them, and if and when you lose my trust, don’t expect it to return. Right now, I trust few. Not because of the brick wall theory of my life, but because of my people suck theory which largely stands true. People in general disappoint me so I am rather cautious. However, if I do trust you and consider you a friend, I will do anything for you because I am of the true blue breed. I do, however, realize that I need some reciprocation… but even when it isn’t given, I am still true to those I truly care about… my friends. Having analyzed my viewpoints on friendships, I ask myself what I would do for my best friend. My best friend who has shown more love for me than I ever could reciprocate, who has given his life so that I may live, who has saved me from my own destruction… well, I must say that I will be loyal to Him. I will love Him and share that love with others. If tested, I pray that I would be willing to give my life for Him as He has given His life for me. I do know that I want to live my life for Him… I want nothing more than to follow in the footsteps of the ultimate servant leader by living the life that God has written for me….

Just some thoughts at the moment…. I guess that makes me strange and maybe even a stranger to even those who think they know me… but at this point, I don’t care.what people think. I’m not seeking anyone’s approval… I never have, I’m not going to start now. I am who I am…. love me or hate me…

Born too late

Writing has always helped me categorize the craziness that lies within my mind, but I have steered away from it lately. I think it is time to pick up a pen and open a vein again. While I do not mind if people read my rantings, I feel as if my life as become way too public lately. As a result, my facebook notes will remain disabled and I will be using this instead.

So… as I am sitting here in a new dorm knowing that I am one of very few people left on campus, there are many things on my mind. I’m not going to discuss them all at this point in time, but here is an outline of things that I need to address over the next few days.

- Grades/school= not working to my potential in conjunction with I have no clue what I’m doing
-Identity issues… what defines me?
- Why don’t I just go get a job?
- Are friends really just people that you think are you friends?
- Defining faith- dealing with the whole water, word, profession thing

And.. I’ll probably think of some more stuff along the way… so… yeah.