Archive - July, 2008

This is home

” This is home
Now I’m finally
Where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
I’ve been searching
For a place of my own
Now I’ve found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home”

Tears are a rare commodity for me, yet I have this strange feeling that there will be an over abundance of them when I leave this place. Jokingly I have always said that home is where ever I am at the moment, but I have never truly known the feeling of home being the place where people love and care for you. My housemates have grown into my family, and they have shown me love beyond measure. The mere thought of leaving some of them behind causes tears to well up in my eyes.

In a less than serious tone of voice, a few of my friends here keep asserting that I am going to eventually transfer to their university. While it is just a reoccurring comic aside, part of me wishes that I actually could transfer here to remain with them amongst these beautiful mountains. It would be so much easier to stay than it will be to go. Despite the longings of my heart, I know that I must return to the District.

It’s more than bittersweet. To be honest, part of me is slightly irritated that I finally found authentic friends only to have to leave them a short time later. It is not often that I feel comfortable enough to trust people, but I would trust some people here with every ounce and every detail of my life. I’m not sure that I have ever been this attached to a group of people before… but alas, the detachment will begin a few short weeks from now. While I know that I will not allow myself to forget or to lose contact with some of my friends here, I also know that things will never be the same way. This group will never be fully together again, and the individuals that I have grown to love will never be as close to me as they are in this moment. Friendships are truly tested by distance, and I’m not sure how sturdy they can be when the distance is great and the encounters are few and far between. It breaks my heart to even think about losing my new found family…

The thought of leaving scares me, but the fact that I actually entertained the thought of staying is even more frightening. I find myself allowing doubts to slowly creep into my mind. Are my friendships here created out of obligations? If I did stay would I still have meaningful relationships with them? Is what I am feeling mutual or will I disappear from their minds the second I disappear from their sight? I shall never know the answers. The questions haunt me, but their shadows cannot pierce my heart because I know differently.

Dr. Seuss once said ” don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened”. I am both crying and smiling as I am writing this. I am extremely grateful for this summer and the people that have come into my life. Even if these are my last moments in fellowship with them, I would not trade this experience for the world. I am a better person for being here and for knowing the people sharing this time with me. Even if this all fades into the abyss, I am forever changed. Now I know without a doubt that my home is in heaven and my family is the body of Christ.

” And now after all
My searching
After all my questions
I’m gonna call it home
I got a brand new mindset
I can finally see
The sunset
I’m gonna call it home”

I’m sorry for the person I became

If deception is a poison, insecurity is the toxin that makes it lethal. Currently, my insecurities are infecting my mind, body and spirit. My thoughts are polluted with the fact that I am extremely out of shape. As pictures continue to surface on facebook, I can only cringe at my physical appearance. As summer activities continue to unfold, I am sickened by my weakness and decline in athleticism. Truth be told, I am beyond disgusted with myself… and my self worth is decreasing exponentially as my self disgust begins to overflow. It is consuming all my thoughts and all my actions. My heart does not recognize myself for who I am. It yearns for the competitive athlete and the strong willed competitor. Yet, my intellect knows that those days have past and mourns for their disappearance. While one knows that will power and discipline can overthrow the decay of sickness and lethargy, one also needs motivation to change things from the status quo. I am not only lacking inspiration, but I am also experiencing an abundance of depression. I cannot shake the feeling that life is not worth the hassle… simply because of the lack of value on my life and my disgust with who I am becoming. Outer appearance is everything because first impressions set the tone for relationships. However, I have allowed myself to go beyond a point of disgust to a point of self loathing. Once again I find myself changing my pathways to avoid shorts, mirrors, asthma attacks, and any remotely degrading element in my life. My own insecurities are beginning to hold me prisoner. The question is how does one break free of a long term problem that one has no motivation to solve…

The answer I guess could be God… and hopefully, He will show me how to battle the way I feel and make the necessary changes in my life.