*exhale* I’m not an emotional person, but as I am writing this… tears are slowly falling from my eyes. They are neither tears of joy nor sorrow… just tears. I’m not even sure why they have been provoked, but there are tears.
I think its a side effect of the pressure. The energy it takes to live in two worlds, with two identities. It takes its toll. Have you ever felt like two different people? Oh, I do. All the time.
It’s rather surreal.
As I sit here having just left AU, talking with someone I lived with this summer, working on HOBY stuff, anxiously considering going home in a few days, and eagerly anticipating getting back to DC… I feel like I’m living in way too many worlds.
I’m ready for the worlds to collide… for the crash, the explosion, the aftermath of destruction… I’m ready to be whole again. I’m not sure how I am going to fuse my worlds, but I know that I need to in order to move forward. I need to step out of my boxes and say take all of it … or leave it.
I am what I am… who I am… and that identity, well, it lies in Christ and Christ alone. I need to make that clear… crystal clear. I also need to remember that part of following Christ is being who He created me to be. I have been reserved at AU- that is not me. I’ve needed to learn discipline, and I’m learning it by holding back… but being silent and relatively inactive isn’t necessarily the way to go about living my life either. I need to merge the enthusiastic driven high school persona that got me to college with the people person that I’ve become in college. I need to stop reminiscing on how I’ve had my moments as both a good leader and a good Christian and collide the two worlds to be a good Christian leader. I need to embrace my calling. I need to be one of those people, one of my people, one of His people… I need to be me. 100% holistically me and I’m not sure that I even know what that looks like. Thankfully, He knit me together in my mother’s womb and knows me better than myself.. So this break, I initiate collusion, knowing that He has it under control…
Or at least I hope to catalyze the fusion- by God’s grace- and finally bring my worlds together a bit. Assuming I don’t chicken out. I’m at least three days from being home and I already feel like puking… like running.. like crawling into the fetal position….
None of that matters though… because my God is soo much bigger than my fear and my drama, and me…. I need to find myself in Him and in Him alone.
“In the secret, in the quiet place
In the stillness You are there.
In the secret, in the quiet hour I wait,
Only for You,’cause I want to know You more;
I want to know You,
I want to hear Your voice
I want to know You more.
I want to touch You,
I want to see Your face
I want to know You more.
I am reaching for the highest goal,
then I might receive the prize.
Pressing onward, pushing every hindrance aside,
Out of my way, ’cause I want to know you more”